Into every romance, some pain must fall.
I didn’t believe that as a starry-eyed teenager, but life has subsequently taught me differently.
If there is an exception to that rule, I would love to meet him/her/them.
I have heard even Christian counselors say, while teaching about marriage, that almost every couple they have ever met has had a near breakup occur right before the engagement.
Supposedly that is about one member (at least) of the couple getting cold feet, as the relationship progresses toward marriage. That person starts trying desperately to come up for air.
The Christian counselors who teach about this also state that it is absolutely imperative, when this crisis looms, for the person who is getting cold feet to be able to see that the world would not end if he went through with the breakup.
In other words, the partner, let’s just call her a “she” here, must show herself strong in the face of the potential breakup, reassuring her partner that she cares for him, but also letting him know he is free to go and her world will go on.
She must convey that, even and especially if she does not believe it at the time.
For it is true, after all. The same qualities that drew her partner to her in the first place will equip her for finding someone else, should the worst happen and the partner depart.
Noel and I were not much for drama between the night we met in June of 1986 and the night we wed in May of 1989.
But even we had one near breakup, and, yes, it was right near the time we subsequently got engaged.
I had gone over to his apartment (his “flat” as they say in London) on a Saturday I had free. I stood watch at my Navy command my entire two years living in London, so it was often the case that I had to work on weekends when Noel was free.
This Saturday we planned to see the re-released “Manchurian Candidate” at a cinema near Noel’s flat. It was a classic film we had never seen. It had been shut up in a vault right after its initial release, due to some unfortunate political resemblances at the time.
So far, so good.
Except when I arrived at Noel’s flat, we got into a discussion that led to some hypotheticals about the need to have some breathing space in our relationship.
After dating me for over a year, my sweetheart was expressing doubts about our relationship continuing in its current form. My heart leaped into my throat.
As I forced myself to breathe, I remembered the advice of all those Christian counselors and forced myself to say the words, “Well, perhaps we do need some space in our relationship if you have that many doubts about it. How about we do that before we proceed any further with plans for our future?”
After we agreed to take a breather from each other, I left his flat and promptly fell apart on the street outside, once I was out of sight.
I was within several months of taking orders to a new command, a new country. There had been discussion of me taking orders to Germany so I would be just a short flight away. I wanted to do that if the relationship was progressing to marriage. If not, I didn’t need to be in Germany, constantly reminded of a failed relationship and a broken heart!
And would I ever see Noel again, or had that been our goodbye forever? I knew I could not go back to his place nor plead nor grovel. The Christian counselors had been clear that I had to wait and pray. If the relationship was meant to continue, the one with cold feet would enter it again.
I didn’t know what to do. Go home to my empty flat when it was still only Saturday morning? Not on my life!
I went around the corner and got in line for the “Manchurian Candidate.” I actually enjoyed it pretty well for a movie viewed with a side helping of broken heart! My attention kept drifting back onto my own troubles, but the movie held my attention pretty well, under the circumstances. Good movie, full of plot twists and intrigue.
When it was over, I went and got something to eat.
It was still far too early to return to my empty flat.
I made a decision. I got back in line for another showing of the “Manchurian Candidate.” It was that good that I was willing to see it twice in one day.
As I got near the ticket window, I became aware of a presence behind me. It was almost like a shadow. It seemed to move when I moved and stand still when I stood still.
I didn’t dare turn to look. I didn’t sense any ill intent from that direction, so my “stranger danger radar” (so developed during two years of walking almost everywhere in London) stayed off.
Eventually the shadow stepped forward and stood right next to me.
I looked over from lowered lashes.
It was Noel.
As the tears fell down my face, I realized we had faced our test, met it head-on, and survived it.
Soon after that, our engagement was announced.
Tags: learning to walk away when the significant other says he needs space, our romance, rifts in relationships right before engagement, The Manchurian Candidate, the story of our romance