I wrote the following post for a theological forum on which I participate. It is strictly satire.
If you have never been identified with the independent, fundamental Baptists (IFB’s), it will be a moot post for you.
It arose from a discussion in which several people posited that there is no difference whatsoever between IFB’s and their more extremist element (often referred to as IFBX’s).
Again, THIS POST IS STRICTLY SATIRE. Here goes:
Several people have challenged those of us who claim to be IFB by stating that we are “exactly like IFBX’s, only nice.” They also said that even people whom everyone else regards as IFBX will never see that they are, nor admit that about themselves.
So, in the interest of being the first person ever to claim to be IFBX, I am publicly coming out here . . . 😉
I know I am IFBX because . . .
1) Although I prefer high church Anglican hymns from the age of Bach and Handel, preferably with rich obligatos that go up in the rafters, I am okay with submitting to our church music director and singing hymns from the 1920’s.
2) Although I play popular (big band) music in my car (as anyone who has driven with me on visitation can attest), I don’t play things like “What if God Was One of Us?” by Joan Osborne, unless I am sure the friend will understand the intent of the song and not think it is mocking God.
3) Although I use both the KJV and the ESV to study at home, I flip open the KJV on my iPad at church (unless I accidentally go into the wrong app) because it makes sense to me to read along with the pastor with the same words he is using in his Bible reading.
4) Although I am a cinephile (I adore the Golden Age of Hollywood–the 1930’s and 1940’s), I readily agreed with my pastor to not attend movie theaters, because he asked nicely and it doesn’t hurt me to say yes. Also, I hate movie theaters because some cretin is always talking nearby and, with my ADHD, I find myself wasting my time during the movie fantasizing about ripping off his lips!!! 😉 So, maybe for reasons of sanity alone, I stay home and watch Netflix, Amazon Plus, iTunes, and Turner Classic Movies, where no one can talk over the movie!!!
5) Since I only own jeans, sweats, and workout shorts (no nice pantsuits), I never wear pants to church unless we are having a volleyball tournament in the gym or I am decorating the 12-foot Christmas tree.
6) I only dance with my husband in the privacy of our own home. I do karaoke with him elsewhere, on demand. 😉
7) Although I read widely, I counsel mothers to modify the literature curricula of their own individual children (by reading things like “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” with them and talking about them). I don’t counsel an uprising against a Christian school to try to get a wider range of works included.
So, it is apparent from all of the above that, indeed, I am IFBX.
Oh, and the most telling thing is the mean spirit in which I push all of this at other people. Shut it, ya cretins, or I will rip ya lips off! Bwahaha!